My brother yelled that at me last night and I laughed. But then I thought, hot damn, he’s right. He meant it in relation to the utterly preposterous oil spill currently swirling in the Gulf of Mexico. BP is the asshat of the century; the current scourge of the environment. Not only did British “the British are coming” Petroleum utterly fail in all things related to the safe extraction of oil under U.S. waters, it utterly failed in the containment and stoppage of the irreversible “accident” because they were “unprepared”. Here’s my problem:

A.) The phrase “oil cleanup crew” is both a myth and an oxymoron, no more real than a unicorn.

B.) The entity that is supposed to be regulating the oil industry IS the oil industry itself.

C.) The technology being used to stop the leak is crap.

Let’s work backward here. I cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that with all the technology available, with all the advances in modern industry, science, and our seemingly advanced understanding of nature, that there aren’t any true solutions to curtail the spill. So you  figured out a way to drill thousands of feet below the surface on a platform that can withstand some form of hurricane force winds, while pumping up millions of barrels of oil a year—but there was never a “what if it all goes to hell” plan?

Then you tell me that the fail-safes that are supposed to be in place failed because there were shortcuts taken by the company to save money? Some science: Drilling mud is supposed to be used to maintain an even amount of pressure, as the weight of the mud stops oil from rising to the surface. However, BP used a ghetto-rigged mixture of seawater and mud. The weak mixture did not have enough pressure to hold natural gas back. So when one system failed, this one did, too.

So now what do we have? On May 8th, BP tried placing container domes on top of the leak—which failed miserably. On May 11th a smaller containment dome was lowered—but it is not even near the leaking oil. On May 25th the “Top Kill” efforts began, which would essentially plug the well completely. While the plan had a name that Tom Cruise would love, the plan failed miserably (not once, but three times). On May 29, alphabet soup reigned supreme as BP engineers tried the Lower Marine Riser Package Cap Containment System. (LMRP……is that some form of roleplay?)

This leads to the next god-awful truth: the Minerals Management Service. This “agency” of management types is supposed to be regulating anything relating to offshore energy. First, who the hell is the MMS and what the hell have they been doing? According to the New York Times:

“Federal regulators responsible for oversight of drilling in the Gulf of Mexico allowed industry officials several years ago to fill in their own inspection reports in pencil–and then turned them over to the regulators, who traced over them in pen before submitting the reports to the agency.”

It’s pretty safe to say that these MMS inspectors have been “secret” lovers with the oil industry for quite some time. Their favorite activities include fishing trips and dabbling in crystal meth—well isn’t that just special!

As for the “oil cleanup crew” being no more real than unicorns? Well simply there is no REAL way to clean up oil! It’s not something that can be sopped up with a mega-sized Brawny paper towel then thrown away:

BP CEO Tony Hayward promised that the company would clean up every drop of oil and “restore the shoreline to its original state.”

I’m sure that to some degree that statement is sincere—but it’s also false. The shoreline will never be restored to its original state. The chemical dispersants used will affect aquatic life and vast stocks of seafood. Environmental destruction has commenced and will be in full effect for years to come. The only thing that is for real is that a combination of natural forces (wind, sun, water currents, waves, etc.) will eventually break down the oil. Since this is not Crisco cooking oil we’re talking about here, it will take a long, long, time. Understand this: 22-47 million gallons of oil have been spilled thus far.

I can only imagine how Ma-ti must feel…to hell with Ma-ti–what about Aquaman?

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